bah, humbug

I'm never very truthful, or at least very detailed, in this thing. I'm too keenly aware that my real name is attached to it, and that people who I work with, etc., may read it. And in fact I know some of them do.

But let me just say that today was a frustrating day, and that in general I'm a little bit adrift. It happens I guess. The themes are: responsibility and conflict.

I find several areas of my life in conflict. All important, all valuable. Some seemingly impossibly at odds.

I find myself increasingly responsible, and I've always felt responsible. I crave irresponsibility. I don't think I'm really capable of being that way though. I never have been. Sometimes I wish I was.

It all started pretty young for me. I was cooking my younger brother lunch at the age of 8 or 9, if I remember. Letting us in the door and watching him after school while my mom kept working. I started helping her clean houses at 13 or 14. Nothing inspires ambition like cleaning the houses of the wealthy.

I'm sure there are stories of much greater responsibility, etc., people who have gone through much more than I have. But I just get tired sometimes. I was in such a big hurry to do so many big things... and now I find myself thinking "what was the rush?" Here I am. All done. Now what?

I know I live a great life. I just wish I could find a way to shake it up a bit, without hurting anyone or messing anything up.

Jesse Kates * www.sexyaccident.com